Last Updated on January 23, 2024 by Lori Pace
Adult children and their parents often have difficult relationships. Which are often caused by unresolved childhood conflicts such as one parent favoring or disfavoring another child or clashes of values and beliefs. For yourself, have you ever expressed your anger at your mother or father?
Abuse, neglect, or abandonment are all examples of childhood problems that can lead to anger as an adult. These traumas can lead to psychological and emotional distress. A mental health professional can help you meet your unmet needs and relieve this burden.
The Effect of Harboring Anger At Your Mother on Your Mental Health
Holding on to anger towards a parent can lead to an emotional life that is unhappy and discordant with oneself. A lack of a clear view of oneself can result in unrealistic expectations for other aspects of life, such as child development and parental relations.
Untreated undercurrent memories and attitudes can often lead to anger and resentment that leads to strained parent-child relationships. People can lose their sense of self in times of trauma or crisis, leading to a loss of resilience and confusion. This can cause further resentment in parent-child relationships.
People who live with anger are less resilient to daily stressors and everyday life. Adult children who are angry at their parents may have a history of failed relationships and fear of taking healthy risks that could lead to growth and development. They also tend to be less likely to engage with their parents and children.
Issues That Can Lead to Anger at Mother in Adulthood
Anger at your parents can be triggered by many factors, including neglect or abandonment, estrangement from your parents, experiencing a loss (including more disenfranchised ones like when a family moves several times in childhood), or boundary issues such as too many or too few rules.
Neglect & Abandonment
Problems with spouses or partners can be related to unresolved father-child issues, such as abandonment or neglect. Neglecting to take care of your health is a sign of a decreased quality of life from childhood through adulthood. Neglect can lead to feelings of inadequacy or disinterest. This place can lead to overachieving or pleasing people. This can lead to anger and resentment, which can cause inner conflict and disharmony if the objectives are not achieved in these settings.
Loss
Each person experiences loss differently, just as grief does. Adult children who experienced loss of friendships in early years due to family disruption or loss of relatives tend to have anger and resentment towards their parents if the loss is not properly addressed–particularly in families with many siblings.
Adult children don’t know how to recognize their own needs and how to communicate their feelings in a healthy manner. This anger and resentment is reinforced by the repeated loss of intimate relationships or employment.
Estrangement
Each person experiences loss differently, just as grief does. Adult children who experience loss of friendships in early years due to family disruption or loss of relatives tend to have anger and resentment towards their parents if the loss is not properly addressed–particularly in families with many siblings.
Adult children don’t know how to recognize their own needs and how to communicate their feelings in a healthy manner. This anger and resentment is reinforced by the repeated loss of intimate relationships or employment.
Enmeshment & Boundary Issues
Enmity between families can have an impact on adult children who seek to challenge cultural norms and customs. The psychological well-being of adult children can be affected by the perception of their mother’s closeness or disconnection, particularly in middle-life. Adult children often experience more anxiety and depression if they are perceived as being the closest to their mother or most disappointed by her.
How To Let Go of the Anger at Mother
Instead of allowing a resentful attitude to take control of your life and rob you of a fulfilling life, here are some ways to get past being resentful or angry at your parents and control what angers you.
Find a Safe Space to Process
Begin by finding a safe and quiet place and slowing down enough to notice any thoughts or emotions that are overwhelming you. It may seem difficult for some, but it allows you to identify what you are thinking and feeling and lets you release the burden of your inner experience.
Process these feelings through journaling, or with the support of a trusted friend. A mental health professional may be able to help you. You may need to seek out a personal, family, or couples therapist depending on your situation.
A support group is a place where you can share your experiences with others who have been through similar situations. You can find these groups online or in-person.
Ask Yourself Important Questions When You Express Anger at Mother
It is possible to start important questions with what or how rather than why. This can lead to you being critical and judgmental of others and yourself. Asking questions that include what and how opens up opportunities for honest, non-judgmental exploration. These questions could include:
- What does it feel like to be ___?
- What message should I send myself when ______ happens?
- What is most important to you?
Listening to what you think and feeling the emotions they bring, followed up by respectful questions, will help you pinpoint your needs. These could lead to you coming to the following conclusions: I need someone to listen to me,” “I notice that I am hard on myself,” or “I need to establish boundaries with my parents.”
Focus on Positive Self-Talk
Your words and how you talk to yourself matter! The unconscious doesn’t distinguish between positive and negative. It simply follows what it is repeatedly fed. Write positive statements and read out daily in a quiet, safe place to reduce negative thoughts, emotions, or behaviors.
This allows you to reframe the events you have experienced and gives you a better sense of yourself. It also helps you control negative emotions in difficult situations. To help you refrain and reframe your thoughts, you might consider starting a gratitude journal you can write in each day.
When to Get Professional Support for Your Anger At Mother
Unfulfilled lives or anger can take a toll on your health and are not sustainable. This can have a negative impact on the entire family system and lead to the need for mental support.
It is important to recognize the need for support. Unresolved issues are often traumatic and can have a significant impact on your child/parent relationship. Various interventions are possible, so it is worth consulting a therapist to help you move forward. A therapist and you can work together to create a plan that is practical and tailored to your needs.
