Getting divorced was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, and the pressure that came with dating after divorce was unbelievable.
I was free for the first time in my life, and I was not ready to let that go.
There was freedom from the stress of a bad relationship and release from taking care of one more person in the household. The best part was the freedom from the disappointments and breaking of trust that happened routinely in the marriage.
Then came the constant questions about my meeting someone new. I was taken aback by so many asking when I was moving on to someone else. My ex moved out of my house and into his girlfriends’ house, but I need a little more time.
Like maybe a lifetime.
Why I’m Not Ready to Start Dating After Divorce
Maybe your heart is still raw after your divorce. Mine certainly is. Perhaps you feel uncertain, and you’re looking for a sign to see if you are ready or not to start dating again after your divorce.
If you feel like you can relate to my following reasons for waiting a while, maybe you should take a few months of healing before you get back into dating.
My Heart is Broken and Already Taken by my Kids.
I know many moms who have gone on to find another relationship.
Their ability to handle someone new and children is fantastic. I do not have room in my heart for anyone other than my kids right now. Maybe it is because they are little and still need so much from me.
Maybe it is because I am basking in the glow of genuinely loving and parenting way I want to. Mostly it is because I don’t want them to suffer the loss of another person should it not work out again.
But my heart is most certainly taken by my little girls, and I don’t see there being more room for anyone else right now.
I Feel Too Busy For Dating.
If you have full custody of your kids and your ex-husband has visitation, you get 4 days a month to yourself. During the holidays and Summer, I get longer stretches.
But for the most part, my kids are with me over 80% of the time.
Suppose I am not willing to have a revolving door of men coming and going as I search for some fantastical prince. In that case, I have very little time to develop a relationship anyway. In fact, when my kids are gone, I am catching up on chores, on work, with my friends, and sleeping.
My time alone flies by, and I find it hard to fit much else in. It may just be an excuse for now, but I know when the time is right for a new guy, I’ll find the time to pencil him in.
I’m Perfectly Fine on My Own.
I thrive as a single mother; I think it suits my personality.
Not once since my ex moved out have, I wanted another person in this house with my kids and me. I don’t get lonely too often because I rarely have time. I work from home, so it can get odd not speaking to adults all day. But I have my friends and my family to talk to when I feel the need to use multiple-syllable words!
I know many single moms are perfectly capable of handling their households, bills, activities, and everything else. A new person will certainly shake that up in a big way if you are ready for him.
Being Single is Not a Bad Thing.
There is a misconception that single motherhood is not okay.
People often think that everyone needs somebody to be happy. I find that attitude to be very 1950’s and can honestly say that single motherhood is wonderful the way it is. For now, at least.
I have a friend who raised her son alone from the age of 2. Her ex-husband is now married with a 2-year-old of his own. My friend dated later but pretty much gave her all to her motherhood. She never complained, never asked for more, never said she wished she had someone to help her out. She is an amazing woman, and she raised an amazing son.
Being single is like anything else – a status. Society often pressures us to jump into a new relationship, jump into each other’s beds, and run for the altar. I believe there’s a good reason romantic comedies end after an hour and a half.
Forget What Other People Want.
Do you remember when you were in a relationship with your ex in your twenties, everyone kept asking when you’ll be getting married? And when you got married, they started asking you when the babies are coming?
The same thing is happening now, I promise.
People often give advice only for the sake of it. Remember this golden nugget: “Don’t take advice from people who don’t have to deal with consequences.” Single moms have enough to deal with – as do all moms – without the constant questions about another in their lives.
It’s your consequences, so it’s your choice.
What do I do now?
If you relate to my reasons for not dating so soon, you know you’re not ready to move on yet. Take time to heal first – if you need some advice on that, read the linked article.
Suppose you don’t relate and feel ready for a new person in your life – good for you! Check out our article on when you’re ready to start dating after divorce.