How to Get Back To YOU after a Divorce or Breakup

After a divorce or breakup, many of us, single mothers, don’t know which way to turn.  We have feelings of resentment, hurt, pain, disappointment and even loss.  It may feel as though a family member died and although we would like nothing more than to lie in bed, and watch as the world goes by, we are still moms and we have to stay strong for our children.

I have noticed that some single moms, jump right into a relationship and begin a pattern of going from relationship to relationship for the sake of “having a man” in their lives and not being alone.  However, with a slew of men coming in and out of their homes, they are not only fulfilling the need to have love in their lives, but they are subjecting their children to a series of men, who they get used to today and who are gone tomorrow.

It totally makes for a poor example of healthy relationships for their children but more than that, they are masking the pain caused by the breakup and have not allowed themselves to get over the relationship and they have no idea how to figure out who they are, now that the relationship is over.

Ladies, I get that it can be very lonely as a single mother.

We all desire to feel loved and have male companionship but at what expense?  Do you sacrifice your obligation to show your children what a healthy relationship looks like or do you teach your children, especially your daughters, that having a parade of men in and out of your lives is okay?

Do you lose yourself in the series of men that come in and out of your life and have you no clue as to how to find out who you are anymore?

black women coping with divorce

Allow Yourself to Heal

One of the most important things, especially after getting out of a relationship or a divorce is that you take the time to be alone.  Allow yourself to “get over” what was and allow yourself to mourn the relationship or marriage.  Just think, no one goes into a marriage believing that one day they will get divorced.

All of your dreams and hopes you had with you ex are now a thing of the past and no matter how long you were together, you need time to heal.  The same goes if you were in a relationship. You must allow yourself to heal!

It is also very important that you work through your feelings.  What you don’t want to do is go into the next relationship carrying baggage and hurt feelings with you.  You have to be able to let yourself feel and let go of all of anger, resentment, trust issues and pain.  There is nothing worse than going into a new relationship, with trust issues and resentment, it will never work.

See a Therapist

Sometimes it is a good idea to see a therapist after a divorce or breakup.  More times than not, you really just need to talk to someone; someone who is unbiased.  Many times, women jump from relationship to relationship to mask their feelings and the pain.  Some women turn to the arms of someone else to feel the love that they are no longer receiving from a man or because they want to feel valued as a woman and not just a mom.

By talking to a therapist, you can work through those issues and if you are feeling a loss of self-confidence or rejection, a therapist would be perfect. Remember, seeing a therapist doesn’t mean that you are crazy or on the verge of a breakdown.  It simply means that you want to remain healthy and get to a better place…a better you.

Rediscover Yourself

What you have to realize is that when you jump from relationship to relationship, you are not giving yourself time to heal and sometimes we need to take a moment to “get to know ourselves.”

Can you or have you ever gone to a movie alone or taken yourself out to lunch?

Do you always have to have someone with you?  Can you just be alone?

What do you enjoy doing? Who were you before the breakup or divorce?

Since you are no longer “a couple” and may have given up a lot of things that you enjoyed doing when you were single, make a list of what you used to enjoy and start doing them again.  By investing time in yourself and spending time reinventing who you were and/or who you are today, you can get on track to finding yourself again because you not only owe it to your children but to yourself as well.


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